I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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