Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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