I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
