If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
