This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
