so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
