Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
