i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
