I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
