I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
