he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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