I accidentally had phone sex last night
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize