my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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