You made me cry and you don't even care
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
