A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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