I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
