if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
