you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize