At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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