I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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