I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
