I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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