I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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