I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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