i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
