At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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