i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
