The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
