Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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