I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I deserve this hangover.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
