Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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