I want to make a zoo with you.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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