barbara walters just said penis...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
