my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
