I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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