im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
