i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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