Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
