Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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