I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
