Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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