god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
