for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
