I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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