she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
