I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
