I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
