made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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