Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
