You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
