i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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