The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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