I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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