I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I lost the right to judge tonight
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
