Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
