So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
